Today at work was a repeat of yesterday (sans masseur). My head is woozy, too filled with so many details, and deadlines and things to do and fix and follow up on. And yet…
And yet, I am having a blast. A couple of weeks ago (or maybe a month ago - time keeps breaking the sound barrier), I was thinking about the perennial advice of being what I want, of giving to others what I appreciate getting from them. Not easy. But I told myself that I wanted to be more social, more hospitable towards my in-house clients, my co-workers. Not quite sure what I did, but it's happening. And I'm enjoying it.
I am willing to be a good hostess in my little cubicle. What I usually treated as my own version of Sleeping Beauty's castle complete with an aura of surrounding thorn bush, is now the exact same office but with people constantly going in and out of it, and me not minding. I find myself smiling more, gesturing visitors to my guest chair more. I'm the same way on the phone. I don't mind the phone ringing. It has helped that my boss has shielded me a bit. And perhaps he has been willing to because I'm a nice person. And I'm nicer knowing someone cares about my work day. At any rate, it is a blessing and goes on my gratitude list. (Note to self: Remember to thank boss.)
I'm happily awestruck. I think maybe I'm the victim of body snatchers and the real Keera has been replaced by an up-beat alien. Except that the replacement is not the alien.
The moody, easily irritated Keera is not the real me, but she has been me for so long that I thought she was. I thought she was a permanent part of me and that she would never go away. I thought I would have to monitor her to keep her from spoiling my fun, but no. She's quietly gone AWOL.
I am too busy having fun, downright fun solving problems for people, making jokes with them, and interrupting myself to answer questions to wonder where's she's gone and for how long. In fact, I'm not even worried about her returning. That's new.
To answer my own question: I am myself. My real self. The self I am when I am not letting negativity call the shots, when I am not letting myself fall victim to any negative feelings. What I have done to do that, though, I am not sure, but I think it is as simple as just voicing the desire. I wanted to be more social and fun and pleasant to be with and I actually said that to myself, and it is happening.