A story from down under

No, this is not about Australia. This is about feet. My feet. If you do not want to read about my feet (complete with photo), go check out my profile instead. Yeah, I finally decided to tell you what my favorite movies are. I have way too much time on my hands. But now: Feet.

I have two feet. One left, one right. I have never named them, but have no trouble telling them apart, because the big toes have different shaped toenails, and they don't hit the floor when I walk the same way, so they make different sounds. Until now. I discovered a new beauty salon at the local mall, and booked myself for a pedicure today at noon. I have never had a pedicure before in my life, and was doing it mainly because I thought that after 45 years of faithful, uncomplaining service (I am so blessed), I decided to treat my two unnamed feet to some professional kindness.

They didn't tell me about the scalpel.

They didn't tell me about the filing down of the tops of the nails.

I'm not sure I want to go back, but that will be up to the feet. They make the important decisions: What shoes to wear, whether or not the toes need clipping, how far to walk, that stuff. And they will also decide if I go back. But first impressions were good, in spite of the sharp instruments and an attempt to set my sole on fire.

My feet, all two of them, first soaked in something lavender-scented. Then the knife cut away hard, dead skin. Then some pruning shears took care of the nails.Then a motorized sander blasted what skin was left, and then a small, rotating file filed the tops of my nails down so they actually lay flush to the skin. Finally, a huge glop of motor oil went on all over my feet up to my hairy ankles. I asked the girl doing my feet why she chose this profession instead of carpentry, seeing as how the tools were about the same. She said she was actually studying to be a nurse; this was extra-curricular activity. Kids today.

Anyway, when I was done and finally got to stand on the floor again with my own two feet, it Felt Good. I tell ya, my feet were smiling. I missed one callous walking home (my uneven walk), but it'll grow back real fast, even with the fancy cream I bought for my two feet.

The filing down of the toenails has left my two feet looking far more matched than ever before, though the left one is still sporting the divide between old nail pre-dropping-heavy-souvenir-on-it-last-March and new nail which finally started to grow in September. And now, for your enjoyment (or disgust), here are what my smiling, hairy feet look like.