Too much, too soon

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Yesterday's grouchiness was a warning. My body and my moods are basically klaxons trying to get my attention. This morning I had no energy, no desire, no absent Grumpy. He was still with me. He had a message.

I hate when I'm like this. I hate that my emotions so easily rise to the surface and I have neither the inclination nor the ability to force them back down, not even when the situation demands that I do. (Blowing up at work is a really bad idea.)

I got a reminder today that dealing with mental exhaustion, with panic attacks and its attendant issues, takes time. I was feeling too good Tuesday. I know now that I was not on the way up, but out of balance. Yesterday that lack of balance made itself known. I thought I'd headed it off at the pass, armed with hugs, but nope. On a good day I can wrestle with my feelings, but on a good day I'm not even in this battle. So I'm trying to face a dragon and all I can muster is a "whatever". It takes energy to battle with feelings, and in this case, it is a better strategy to just not bother.

Low on energy this morning, I got myself ready for work, only to be hit by full-blown lethargy. And so I played the waiting game. Maybe I'll feel like going in half an hour… which came and went and so I thought maybe in another half hour… But that's when my body decided to wield a clue-by-four with force: The very thought of going to work started to make me cry.

So I called in sick. And I'm not playing hooky. I have to get this through my head: I am sick, just not physically. I am not the definition of a well person at this time. So once again: I need to learn to give myself some slack, to figure out how to care for myself mentally.

So I've surfed YouTube today and appreciated the fact that last night I made dinner with lots of leftovers.

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