Surrendering

Birch flowers

I can see a change in the silhouette of the birch tree in front of my building. The naked branches have filled in with small, oblong flowers that look nothing like a blossom but that herald the renewal of life—and allergies for those so stricken. Winter has surrendered to Spring, Nature's New Year.

I wanted to say something smart and deep and wonderful at the start of the year on this new blog location. The closest I came was a line from a John Lennon song, sung by a co-worker at Christmas: "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)". I heard the line "without any fear", and that pretty much summed up 2014 for me. I had spent last year trying to get rid of fear. The fear in my thinking, in my heart, in my knee-jerk reactions.

I have used ho'oponopono mostly, and some ideas from "A Course in Miracles" (ACIM). More and more I follow the advice from ACIM and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. And when I do, I have the loveliest day. I still do all the same things, but everything is cushioned in cooperation, friendliness, serenity. It's easy to get frustrated or annoyed because of a computer glitch or a co-worker who is argumentative, but that doesn't happen on the days when I remember to ask the Holy Spirit to guide me.

My biggest challenge is to get myself to do that on days off. I don't seem to want to ask for spiritual guidance at home, and that suggests to me some fears about what would happen if I did. I have to admit, I am addicted to some of my bad habits, and that's where my fear comes from.

"War is over, if you want it / War is over now" goes the song, and I know now that it not only refers to actual wars on our planet, but also the wars within us or in our personal relationships. The battle we fight to keep our unhappiness from totally messing up our lives or our loved ones, or to keep someone else's unhappiness from messing us up.

But everything I've been reading since age 17, when I first got into metaphysics, says that there is no battle. There is no fight. There is only letting go, especially of fear. Some of what I read suggests that only regular meditation or rituals will lead to healing and wholeness. Perhaps I have that without realizing. I do my praying as part of my walk to work. I say it whenever I leave the house, in case I meet people. (And I need to start saying it when I don't leave the house.)

Isn't that the funniest thing? That I worry about meeting people? I used to have more of a temper and could be quite short with others. Not a good way to be around others and not something I would want to experience myself, but for the longest time, I thought that was just who I am. In 2014, though, I was rewarded with something I just realized I haven't had before: Trust in myself. After years of affirmations and working on my defense mechanisms—basically, letting go of them because they aren't needed—I realize I now trust myself. I trust my own judgment, and I trust myself around others.

I know I can backslide; my personality hasn't changed. That's why I keep up with affirmations and prayer. But they change, they evolve, depending on what I've learned. So now it's about trusting in God, treating fear as the illusion it is, and if I forget, forgive the hell out of it all.

Life does throw upsets at me, like down-sizing at work, and I just move through it with equilibrium. When I was told I was being made redundant, I was more caught up in the thrill of something new than the panic of loss. I am now presented with new challenges = more growth opportunities. That is where 2015 is taking me. Honing my new skills in forgiveness and fearlessness and trust. Making myself so much better that it rubs off on others. That I can make the world better for more than just me.

I had an epiphany as I was looking through a friend's suggested reading list (books on mindfulness, productivity, getting the most out of time, things, food…): I don't care about using my time effectively, about being productive, about having successful habits. Everything I need is in my spiritual practice.

Everything becomes productive and successful when I remember to ask for a reminder throughout the day to see love and be love. That is the only habit I really need to cultivate: On fearlessly asking the Holy Spirit for guidance, everywhere, all the time. On surrendering to the guidance. That's my goal for 2015.