July last year and now

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I rotate folders I keep for conversations with an e-mail group of friends. As I get to the new month, I clear out the previous year's messages and start storing the new ones. So I was clearing out July's and there were my messages about Grandma's death.

I was wondering how July of this year would be. I have missed her for a year, and with her passing, I also began to grieve again for Grandpa. I find myself still angry, not angry at anyone or anything specifically, just angry. My prime emotion when something happens that I don't like is anger. So I feel that and then I feel the abandonment, of being left alone.

It's been up and down this past year. Moments of complete peace and even forgetting, and then moments of intense, aching longing for them. If I go to their grave, I am consumed by loss, anger and a feeling of injustice, as well as enjoying talking to them, seeing them before me, hearing them answer me, as if they are still here and we are still all together.

And it so pisses me off that we are not. I want them back. I want them here, alive, still a part of my life. I want my heart to stop feeling so empty and feeling so much.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Awww. {{hug}}

You've been doing some great things this past year. I'm sure they're very proud of you.
July 04, 2006 11:47 PM
Keera Ann Fox said…
I'm sorry hon, I lost my grandma last year as well.

I remember that now that you mention it. I'm sorry for your loss, Max. The only consolation that I have for this pain is the knowledge that it is in proportion to the love.
July 06, 2006 7:05 PM
Keera Ann Fox said…
Thanks for the hug, Alice.

You've been doing some great things this past year. I'm sure they're very proud of you.

I miss telling them my accomplishments (though their headstone knows all about them). I have had so much to tell them, show them, and I miss not being able to that. It's not the holidays that leave me aching; it's not being able to phone or visit.
July 06, 2006 7:07 PM
Keera Ann Fox said…
It's ok, she was pretty far gone for the last coupla years anyways.

Starting the loss process before death itself came.

Where did you write about her? I want to read it.
July 07, 2006 6:56 PM
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