Dec 27, 2014

I've moved!

Jul 12, 2014

Twilight zone

Looking north by northwest at 11:18 pm. We don't have midnight sun at 60 degrees north. We have midnight twilight. The pink blush moves from northwest to north to northeast. I love this time of year!

May 23, 2014

The new job

My Daily Tarot app gave me Four of Wands today.
"[I]t's time to celebrate your accomplishments. You've had success in your journey. Take time to honor your hard work."
Indeed it is. I have spent two weeks learning nothing but new things: All the various computer systems my company uses for back office sales support, and some of the tasks to be done with them. Today I verified "no claims" bonuses.

Yes, I am finally working with insurance. After 31 years at the insurance company, I am finally learning what coverages are allowed with a leased car. I finally actually have to know that stuff. And I am having the time of my life learning it!

My poor noggin was exhausted every single day for over week, being crammed with new information every single day. I'm still getting used to that. I also sit in front of a computer in a different way than with the graphic designing. Can't quite explain it. Maybe it's just all the thinking I have to do. At any rate, I come home and do not want to use the computer here. That's not entirely a bad thing. My reluctance to sit led me to finally moving some shelves I'd been meaning to move for a long time, and some necessary dusting got done.

Why the change in jobs? We graphic designers got downsized.

My company decided that there wasn't enough work for two full-time positions in graphic design and "freed" my co-worker E and me. There is no official term in Norwegian for what my company does. It's a downsizing/redistribution of labor routine that several companies in the finance and insurance industry use, and the term varies from employer to employer. Basically, by "freeing" employees (not firing or laying us off), both employees and employers are subject to specific rules and a time limit set down by HR and our union. The process takes 4 months and in that time the freed employees are expected to apply for and get new jobs within the company (perhaps relocated) or resign. If they resign, they have the right to be first in line for other positions in the company for the next two years.* Our employer practically bends over backwards helping its employees in this process.

So, on January 8, E and I found out that one of us had to go by the end of the year (this due to there being a budget for both of us for that long). E. will be 62 in December and could take early retirement then, leaving me with the remaining designer job. We believe that's what everyone assumed we would do. But neither E nor I zig when expected to. We zagged. I've tried being a solo designer before and didn't like it. E doesn't want to retire as early as 62. I've wanted to learn insurance for a while, try something new.

With the help of HR, I updated my resumé, got tips on which jobs to try for elsewhere in the company, while my HR rep talked to potential bosses about me and whether I'd fit in.

I ended up getting a taste of what it's like to apply for work—31 years after the last time. (!) Two interviews, a personality test, and some nerves, but mostly pleasant. The one job that seemed to be a good fit was also the one I got. I even got a raise! Did not expect that.

So now I'm in a team of about 18 women and two men (and the other team is the same), all busy and dedicated, but there's a lot of laughs and gallows humor during the day. I really enjoy being there, learning computer systems all over again and insurance terms, and feeling 17 because that's how old I was the last time everything was completely new to me.

E kept his graphic design job, and we are physically still on the same floor, so I still see him every day. After 17 years side by side, it's hard not to want to say hello.

I'm not sure if this is my final stop until retirement 14 years from now (my mentor has been in this department for 20), but I'm not worried about that. I see a future, I feel appreciated, and I'm having fun.

Definitely cause for celebration!

PS: HR and our union rep were impressed with how calmly and cheerfully E and I took the news and worked through the process. I don't know E's secret—he's always been on an even keel—but mine was ho'oponopono.

*) Clumsy wording edited.

Mar 22, 2014

That Easter thingy

A struggling friend reminded me of a situation I was in the autumn after my dear grandma died. Re-reading that gave me a surprise: I'd forgotten how down I was then. I remember crying during the meeting with my bosses, but I don't remember taking sick days and waking up angry every day.

But yes, it all ended up well, better than expected, and yesterday, as I told a potential boss about my strengths and weaknesses during a job interview, I could honestly say I didn't lose my cool with customers or co-workers any more. "I have no reason to be angry at work," I said.


Today, I woke up feeling pretty good, and I mused on the messages in the book I am currently re-reading (here is a description of my first read), and my praying to the Holy Spirit yesterday, and that the interview went swimmingly—personality test and all—and it hit me: I didn't second-guess myself after it was over. I usually find some fault with how I interact with people after the fact, but not yesterday. Not this morning.


Wait. God!

And I smiled.

This is a new twist in how I approach spiritual guidance. From the god the Church told me about, to an amorphous universe-as-god as defined by new age affirmations, to the Holy Spirit of "A Course in Miracles" (that link requires a fresh cup of coffee before you start reading; it's from the book).

Yesterday, I was in the zone, a zone I'd made possible for myself by praying to the Holy Spirit for guidance first.

And as I re-read that last line, I remember how "the Holy Spirit guided me!" would make me cringe when I was younger. Because the only Holy Spirit I knew of was the version the Christians kept trying to sell me, and that version had all sorts of add-ons that I simply could not swallow: Memorizing Martin Luther's Small Catechism in school (that's no longer required in Norway)… Quiet, cold churches with dour reverends… original sin and tag, you're it, and no, you can't opt out… God loves you, but you're still weak and useless… Don't even think about sex… Jesus died on the cross for your sins and has given you eternal life…

Wait, what? Eternal life, but still weak and useless? I don't get it.

I remember childhood bible camps (because only the religious would want a building full of someone else's kids for a week, apparently), one wet summer full of blueberries and not much bible reading, one snowy Easter with a thorough review of Jesus dying on the cross. That one event so crucial (see what I did there?) to Christianity. The whole reason for the religion in the first place. And Easter.

And I could never understand it. I could never wrap my head around how Jesus dying on the cross absolves us of all sin and grants us eternal life (and yet we still have to keep praying for forgiveness). I remember that snowy Easter, somewhere up on a hill above the train tracks between Bergen and Voss, hanging on the camp instructor's every word in the evening after a day of skiing, hoping that, finally, after all these years of exposure to Christianity, I would understand what it was all about. And the fingers of my 15-year-old mind, my clever mind already exposed to metaphysics and ancient cultures and so no stranger to higher thought, reached out and grasped the words and the imagery—and for a moment I had something, but the fingers opened and there was nothing.

This morning, 38 years later, reading on my Kindle, I read about how the resurrection wasn't about bodies, but minds, and Christianity got it all wrong. Then I read that when you are ready, the Course (in Miracles) finds you. And the Course is partly about undoing the mistake Christianity made.

I started to grin, realizing that never grasping the message of Easter was not a short-coming, but an unwavering guidance towards the truth. For some reason, somehow, I have been consistently steered away from traditional Christianity. No small feat, considering where I grew up: In a country that until May of last year, had a state church, still has the cross in its flag, and also used to have Christianity as a regular class in school (Christianity and religion history, actually). Norwegians still baptize their babies and the teenagers still get confirmed because it's tradition and one can't break tradition.

I always stood on the outside looking in. As a foreigner, I was not an automatic member of the state church (Evangelical Lutheran, in case you were wondering), and I was the only one in my class and circle of friends who did not go to confirmation classes nor did I get confirmed. I didn't believe in that Jesus dude and his loving but critical dad. And I was tired of battling sin. Of feeling I could never measure up to what God wanted from me, whatever that was.

So I turned away from all things Christianity. I couldn't understand it, and nobody could explain it to me. Fortunately, I had family members with a spiritual bent, who also had books with alternative explanations for who we are, why we screw up, and what to do about it, who were also searching for a better and greater meaning. I searched too because I wanted something spiritual in my life. I like having someone or something to pray to. In fact, I need to have that.

In high school, I met a devout Christian girl, and I can remember a moment during lunch in the school cafeteria where I had my "Yes, I believe! I accept Christ!" moment with her. But as born-again as I was then and there, the moment I was given the metaphor that Jesus does all the driving (rather than I do the driving and Jesus reads the map), I lost my new-found salvation and went back to ignoring Christianity again.

I just didn't want to lose control, to not have some say in my own life. Of course, the problem with Christianity is that Jesus in the driver's seat means you're chaste and prudent and plain and sober and not having any fun, especially not before marriage. Who wants to hand over their free spirit to that?

Christianity got one last shot: After my grandpa died (death always makes one spiritual, I find), I welcomed two American Mormon missionaries into my home. Sweet girls in long, unflattering skirts, but with lovely personalities. In between them telling me about their religion, we talked about other stuff, made dinner together and generally enjoyed each other's company. It's been almost 20 years, and I do hope they are happy. However, back then, after several months of visits, I finally had to make a decision about whether or not to be baptized and become a member of their church. But you know, long, unflattering skirts, marriage, kids and homophobia just aren't for me. So I thanked them for all their time, and bowed out.

For a while I felt lost again. I wondered if I'd made a mistake. They were so happy, you see, and I wanted that. That happiness. That contentment, that community, that assuredness. But I couldn't get into the highest most heaven because I'd had sex before marriage, so once again, I felt I couldn't be what Christianity wanted me to be. I had to search elsewhere. I had to trust that the amorphous god metaphysics had introduced me to wasn't steering me wrong by steering me away.

I was already learning a vital lesson, however. It's not the religion. It's the people. Those Mormon girls were deeply religious but as people, they are some of the nicest I've ever met. If I were hung up on labels, I wouldn't have known that. We need to focus on the humanity in each of us, not how we've chosen to go through this life. Atheist or religious, conservative or liberal, cautious or reckless, male or female—these are not what matters. What matters is realizing and accepting that under our skin, beyond where our physical lives have landed us, we are all the same. We share the same core and the same source.

And taking that a step further brings us to the message in "A Course in Miracles": How the appearance of being individuals and the worship of individuality are huge missteps. And the way to correct that, to perform a miracle as it were, is to start seeing the innocence in others.

That is a fascinating idea. And a rewarding thought experiment. By choosing to see others as innocent, as not conscious of how they may be hurting me—in other words, making the same mistake I can and do make—creates a shift in myself that brings a feeling of peace. It calms me. It releases me from—something. I can feel something inside me let go, stop, and leave me far less agitated, far less worried, far less angry. Just by giving the other guy a break.

Resurrection:[…] a reawakening or a rebirth; a change of mind about the meaning of the world

I have found a new way to approach Easter: It is still about resurrection, but now I realize it is about resurrecting goodness and truth, not bodies. The Easter message is that there is no error that can't be undone. Everything can be fixed through forgiveness. If not directly between people, then certainly through the Mind that joins us all on the spiritual level. We can resurrect ourselves and each other using this process. As I let go of my belief in that errors are facts, the world gets more loving and safe, and I with it.

Enjoy the sunrise.

Feb 15, 2014

The ho'oponopono adventure continues

Ever since I discovered the ho'oponopono practice of forgiveness and healing about 3 years ago, I have used it, pursued it, and experienced healings big and small.

I have taught it to a few friends. To my delight, they have embraced it and discovered for themselves the instant peace that comes with cleaning (as using ho'oponopono is called; you are cleaning your subconscious of unhelpful beliefs).

My friend Alice showed me this picture she took from her hotel window in London:

Every morning, I started my day by looking out that window.
It was a beautiful way to start the morning. Every day, I felt the embrace of the city and I'd like to think that the city felt my ILYs. We certainly had nothing but pleasant interactions with people (and in fact, a few times, we had people offer unsolicited help!).

I responded to her with this:

The ho'oponopono "trick" of repeating to yourself "I love you" when in a negative situation really works. Just recently I was feeling a bit tired and some people on the bus were being really loud, and after a few minutes of that, I started my ILY mantra and they quieted down. Instantly. That happens again and again and now I want to know why. What's the mechanism? This isn't affirmations, you know. This is thinking something and influencing other people directly. What is this magic?

To answer my own question, I look to Gary Renard's book "The Disappearance of the Universe". In it, Gary Renard says we don't really have much in the way of free will—not when it comes to the big story. But like on some DVDs, we do get to pick an alternative ending if we want. I sometimes think we can't change the story, but we can change the director. Is the movie that is your life directed by Mel Brooks, Michael Bay or Steven Spielberg? Are you having fun pushing the envelope of what's proper? Do you experience a lot of drama? Are you a regular person experiencing an irregular event?

All I know is that my life is a drama that looks like is going to have a happy ending. But I do have to have discussions with the producer about whether or not the way the scenes are playing out are in tune with the end result I want.

Ho'oponopono helps you go back and reshoot a scene as it were. Or just toss out today's production and start over. (Unlike real movie-making, this never puts you over budget.) It makes the director choose a different, a better way to tell the story.

I have just discovered that Joe Vitale has written a follow-up to "Zero Limits": "At Zero". He delves into the origins of modern ho'oponopono and gives this prayer authored by Morrnah Simeona, the creator of this modern method of ho'oponopono:

Spirit, Superconscious, please locate the origin of my feelings, thoughts of [fill in the blank with your belief, feeling, or thoughts].
Take each and every level, layer, area, and aspect of my being to this origin.
Analyze it and resolve it perfectly with God's truth.
Come through all generations of time and eternity.
Healing every incident and its appendages based on the origin.
Please do it according to God's will until I am at the present,
Filled with light and truth.
God's peace and love, forgiveness of myself for my incorrect perceptions.
Forgiveness of every person, place, circumstances and events which contributed to this, these feelings and thoughts.

The recommendation is to do this prayer four times in a row. That will cause the release or cleaning. Ideally, you should memorize this so you always have it handy.

Or you just do "I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you." By the way, I've been seeing those four phrases in various orders. "I love you" sometimes comes at the end, after "Thank you". Sometimes it comes at the end before "Thank you". The order of the four phrases doesn't matter.

Joe Vitale's new book provides more techniques for using ho'oponopono and addresses some issues that pop up. He mentions that the shit hit the fan after his book "Zero Limits" came out. He got an awful lot of criticism for that book. His explanation was that "Zero Limits" stirred up in other people the stuff they need to clean. He could clean his part in it.

I was wondering what he did wrong to have things go so badly, when I suddenly remembered that I and a co-worker are facing a downsizing that will force one of us away from our current job. We are both working on finding other positions in the company and we are both calm and positive about it. I surprised myself with that reaction, and I surprised the HR representative, too. It's the ho'oponopono. It is still an unhappy situation, but not disturbing. But should bad stuff happen as we clean? Aren't we ridding ourselves of problems?

I interpret it as leveling up. You're playing a game and you've finished a level. You start a new, higher level, and the progress bar is back at zero. But you aren't starting over from scratch; you've already accomplished a lot of cleaning. That's why you're moving on to something new to clean.

This sort of housework is never done, but it is so rewarding that it's fun to keep doing it. Because note this: Even though you're facing a difficulty, ho'oponopono can help you keep your inner equilibrium.

Also, nobody did anything wrong. I think this is the most wonderful message in ho'oponopono: You aren't fixing people; they are fine (you are fine). You are fixing beliefs that aren't serving us well, that block us from inspiration, from the Divine. And you do it by addressing your reaction to the beliefs.

You take responsibility. I cannot stress enough that you are cleaning yourself. You are taking responsibility for the bad programming that's in you. You aren't pointing a finger at others and saying "You screwed up. I forgive you." Note that ho'oponopono doesn't have "I forgive you" as any of its phrases. It has "I'm sorry. Please forgive me." You have to take responsibility for youself and clean your own mess. This is what restores you, and once you function better, so does everyone (and everything) around you. So when something bad happens, it's a message to you that there is still something in your junk drawer; you haven't cleaned everything out. Find out what that is. That's how you resolve a bad situation. Find out what inside you is allowing it to happen, own that, forgive that, and watch the situation shift into goodness.

Inspired by the above and by the story of Dr. Hew Len, I am trying to heal my employer. I look at the logo on the side of the building as I arrive for work, and say, "I love you [workplace]. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you." It has occured to me that I am experiencing a downsizing (and some collateral damage that goes with it) because it is in my belief system. I too believe that reorganizations that involve downsizing and letting good employees go is a fact of life. Now I want to change that belief. Why not try to create a culture of success that doesn't involve awkwardly managing human resources?

I also try to bless/clean the co-op I live in. I want to have good neighbors and a safe and beautiful home environment.

As I practice ho'oponopono, problems have been resolving themselves even better than expected. I can't take credit, but I do note that with ho'oponopono, I hear more and more good news from others, instead of bad.

The best part about this practice: You can't mess up. You don't have to know what the problem is: Ho'oponopono it and it will either melt away on its own, or inspiration will guide you. That's part of what the cleaning is for: Getting rid of what prevents you from being inspired.

PS: I wrote a short introduction into what ho'oponopono is in Norwegian on Facebook, in case that's your preferred language.