Oct 30, 2005

Processing...

This past month I've spent talking to a company psychologist for two hours once a week. I'm used to talking my way through my life and life experiences, though not everything gets spoken right away. Sometimes I withdraw first. But later (like a few days later), the words come, and I either write or talk. Typical of an Air sign Moon: Emotions need words.

If I find an outlet in one area, I don't usually feel the need to repeat in another area. It can actually tax and even bore me to do so. As I talk or write, I process. If the processing has gone well, I'm done and don't need to talk or write about it any more.

Then there's energy. Trying to find the energy to be creative, to sit down and want to write. I miss writing, and I said I would blog more frequently, and I've missed blogging. But lately my energy has been spent on conversations with the psychologist (amazingly draining, that), and on my immediate need to change my behavior.

Status hasn't changed: I'm still grieving, I still miss Grandma and Grandpa and even my cat, I still have to work on my attitude at work (a new 30 days to a new habit has started after a successful completion of the first 30 days - YAY!), and I'm still wondering where to next in my life.

I am losing my interest in astrology, and have come to a philosophical crossroads. Frustration, lack of enthusiasm, and no feedback has led me to delete my weather blog. Yes, it's deleted. I'm unsubscribing to the weather astrology group I was a member of. I'm not showing up for any meetings in the Bergen Astrological Club, either. My heart's not in it. Why this is a philosophical crossroads has to do with something Grandma said once to me: When you really need answers, turn to God, because God is the source of everything, including astrology. So, in my own efforts to sort out what's going on with me, and how to fix it, I have not looked to astrology. I have, however, found a lot of help in affirmations, and focusing on God.

So I know that if I were to advise anyone on how to handle big issues in life, I wouldn't tell them to look to astrology. I'd tell them to look to God, to try affirmations - assuming they aren't atheists. And even if they are, a focus on one's own attitude and making sure that the thoughts in one's head are constructive and optimistic is always helpful, and you can use non-deist affirmations. But there's more power in believing in an ever-present and all-loving god, simply because you're calling on the constructive energies in the universe, and it doesn't leave you feeling quite so alone.

Lately, I have been trying to answer the eternal question...no, I have been asking the eternal question: Why death? What's the point? Why does God create us in bodies, make us feel and love, and then hurt so much when those we love leave their bodies? I find myself wishing I had firm proof that there really is eternal life, for some evidence that all my loved ones are still alive, and that I can get in touch with them. And I want to understand what purpose grief has. I have read a lot of spiritual texts over the years, believe in reincarnation, and so I am surprised that I find myself asking these questions. I think I want to move from theoretical to factual. Should I come across any answers, I'll let you know.

I'm rereading a passage in Neale Donald Walsch's "Conversations with God" (Norwegian edition) about dying and death and how ultimately the soul decides and for the soul, death is a useful tool, not a loss. The passage in the book segues into a discussion about listening to one's soul. Oh, here's one answer: Perfect love is made up of all emotions, and in order for the soul to experience perfect love, it must first experience all emotions. Ah, so that's why we must experience grief. OK, I'll buy that.

Oct 17, 2005

Knocking life over

Someone asked on a astrology group what's up these days, since people seemed to be accident-prone, and experiencing upheavals and such in their lives – and all in the last week or so. Good question.

One suggestion: The solar eclipse exactly two weeks ago. I expected to feel that, at 10 degrees Cardinal. The thing with eclipses is that they have an influence if they hit anything in your chart that is the exact same degree as the eclipse, in this case 10 degrees Aries/Libra. Or was that Nodes? Well, I'll claim it, anyway. Hits my Neptune and Nodes, which are all 10-something.

Another suggestion is the inconjunct between Pluto and Mars currently moseying along together and have been for a while, at around 22 degrees (Sag and Taurus, respectively). Pluto is transformation and Mars is energy, and you may find yourself knocking things over and breaking them, literally or figuratively in your life, forcing you to repair or replace. With me, it's adding stress at work. Major stress. As well as my grieving not going anywhere fruitful.

I have natal Mercury at 24 Scorpio, being transitted by said Mars (an opposition). Yes, it's affecting how I communicate (Mercury) with people, and the issue is anger (Mars). Also, Mercury rules my 6th house and Moon therein and I'm feeling all this stress quite physically these days.

I can't wait till this transit eases up. I need to learn some stress management now and get a good night's sleep (also good for stress). That's Pluto-Mars, all right: Trying to transform how I handle irritation and too much activity.

Tonight I'm going to go through my reiki routine and see if that doesn't do some good.

Oct 10, 2005

Awestruck

I came across this blog by accident.

It's the very personal account about the victims of Katrina. Good writing, good photography. And it keeps grabbing me, over and over. I'm left awestruck, whether it's from the desperation, the frustration, the care, or the humanity.

http://operationeden.blogspot.com/ is that good.

I recommend reading the posts in cronological order.

Bad feng shui?

In a world where things run smoothly, mistakes are rare, big mistakes rarer still, it has been an oddly mistake-ridden week here at work. We don't usually have to toss hundreds of business cards due to malfunctioning copiers. And we don't usually have to call for service on both color copiers on the same day. Neither do we make silly mistakes like moving a fold 1 cm too low, forcing us to remake printing plates and delaying truckloads of letterhead paper.

Last week I blamed the eclipse for the madness. This week's theory for the snafus is bad feng shui. We are remodelling the entire lobby area of my office building, and with walls being removed, temporary walls coming up and moving around, etc., we may have disturbed some ancient marsh spirits (our office building is built on marshland) or at least the flow of chi. I know we've disturbed a support wall. Oops.

Oct 8, 2005

It matches my jewelry

It's been a helluva two weeks, but I've managed to get through work without slipping into old habits, except yesterday. Too much work, including overtime, coupled with poor sleep was wearing me thin and pushing me close to old, bad habits (I think the Universe loves pushing the envelope).

After such a week, there's nothing like having an old friend drop by for a visit. I was so looking forward to it, that I even tackled picking up the place with a fair amount of joy (and setting the timer for 15 minutes at a time). Then it came to time to vacuum.

My trusty ol' sucker of 19 years just wouldn't unwind the electrical cord, so no vacuuming. Well, it had already started to leak around the hose, and I hadn't gotten around to duct-taping that, because deep down inside I really wanted a new vacuum cleaner, anyway.

So I didn't get upset, and I was saved the bother of driving myself nuts vacuuming. Did I mention I hate vacuuming? It's the one household chore that has always bothered me. I have never met a vacuum cleaner that would willingly follow me around the house and not deliberately grab onto furniture for dear life and force me to stop and go to it and coax it into joining me in the next room. My old vacuum would also pretend to be a lizard: Going underneath the sofa or around the table leg meant danger so it would instantly toss a body part, meaning I'd have to get down on the floor and fetch the attachment. Nothing like adding a nuisance interruption to an already frustrating task.

Anyway, my good friend doesn't notice my housekeeping, and we had a lovely visit last night, and he was also willing to pick me up today so we could go vacuum cleaner shopping. And so we did.

My new household appliance is small, light, has electronic buttons (sheesh, even vacuums have become electronic), I can control suction from the handle of the wand, and the attachments can be attached to the wand, the wand can be attached to the vacuum itself for resting or storing, and everything snaps and locks into place and won't play lizard. (Can ya tell it's been 20 years since I looked at vacuum cleaners?)

I read the instructions (it was a vacuum cleaner, not a computer, 'K?), plugged it in (ooh, a light!), and turned it on. Well, hot damn. It worked. I then proceeded to push it around my floor and discovered that the vacuum cleaner not only worked, it worked with me, not against me. Its three little wheels move smoothly in any direction independently of each other, and it actually came along on its own, totally oblivious to grabbing onto some corner. (I swear I think it wanted to whistle cheerfully. I know I did.)

I just may have unjinxed myself with this purchase. No more loathing to vacuum. And it's silver. It matches my jewelry.