Oct 30, 2005

Processing...

This past month I've spent talking to a company psychologist for two hours once a week. I'm used to talking my way through my life and life experiences, though not everything gets spoken right away. Sometimes I withdraw first. But later (like a few days later), the words come, and I either write or talk. Typical of an Air sign Moon: Emotions need words.

If I find an outlet in one area, I don't usually feel the need to repeat in another area. It can actually tax and even bore me to do so. As I talk or write, I process. If the processing has gone well, I'm done and don't need to talk or write about it any more.

Then there's energy. Trying to find the energy to be creative, to sit down and want to write. I miss writing, and I said I would blog more frequently, and I've missed blogging. But lately my energy has been spent on conversations with the psychologist (amazingly draining, that), and on my immediate need to change my behavior.

Status hasn't changed: I'm still grieving, I still miss Grandma and Grandpa and even my cat, I still have to work on my attitude at work (a new 30 days to a new habit has started after a successful completion of the first 30 days - YAY!), and I'm still wondering where to next in my life.

I am losing my interest in astrology, and have come to a philosophical crossroads. Frustration, lack of enthusiasm, and no feedback has led me to delete my weather blog. Yes, it's deleted. I'm unsubscribing to the weather astrology group I was a member of. I'm not showing up for any meetings in the Bergen Astrological Club, either. My heart's not in it. Why this is a philosophical crossroads has to do with something Grandma said once to me: When you really need answers, turn to God, because God is the source of everything, including astrology. So, in my own efforts to sort out what's going on with me, and how to fix it, I have not looked to astrology. I have, however, found a lot of help in affirmations, and focusing on God.

So I know that if I were to advise anyone on how to handle big issues in life, I wouldn't tell them to look to astrology. I'd tell them to look to God, to try affirmations - assuming they aren't atheists. And even if they are, a focus on one's own attitude and making sure that the thoughts in one's head are constructive and optimistic is always helpful, and you can use non-deist affirmations. But there's more power in believing in an ever-present and all-loving god, simply because you're calling on the constructive energies in the universe, and it doesn't leave you feeling quite so alone.

Lately, I have been trying to answer the eternal question...no, I have been asking the eternal question: Why death? What's the point? Why does God create us in bodies, make us feel and love, and then hurt so much when those we love leave their bodies? I find myself wishing I had firm proof that there really is eternal life, for some evidence that all my loved ones are still alive, and that I can get in touch with them. And I want to understand what purpose grief has. I have read a lot of spiritual texts over the years, believe in reincarnation, and so I am surprised that I find myself asking these questions. I think I want to move from theoretical to factual. Should I come across any answers, I'll let you know.

I'm rereading a passage in Neale Donald Walsch's "Conversations with God" (Norwegian edition) about dying and death and how ultimately the soul decides and for the soul, death is a useful tool, not a loss. The passage in the book segues into a discussion about listening to one's soul. Oh, here's one answer: Perfect love is made up of all emotions, and in order for the soul to experience perfect love, it must first experience all emotions. Ah, so that's why we must experience grief. OK, I'll buy that.

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