Native Americans say that it is bad for the body to travel too fast for the soul can't keep up. And it did take me a whole week, after I got home from my vacation, to truly feel like I had finally come home.
I have spent 3 weeks in California, in the Bay area, staying with an old friend about 45 minute's drive from San Franciso. I hadn't seen my friend in 15 years, but it was as if no time had passed when I saw her again. I had a wonderful stay! 3 weeks felt like 3 months, and I thoroughly relaxed. Coming home did not give me the same feeling of joy as I usually get.
There were a couple of reasons for me to be struggling with feeling "home":
- I am not yet done with grieving for my cat. I still wish I could hold her again. Waiting for me in my mail was the pick-up slip for Sammy's ashes.
She haunted me when I got back. I saw her walking in the hall, I heard her scratching in her litter box. These "hauntings" disappeared once I got her urn placed in the spot of the window sill where she liked to sit and watch the outside world. I installed my new printer and tested its photo capabilities by printing one of Sammy, and that too sits in the window sill.
- I came home to a messy home, and I do wish my home were better kept. (Working on that.) A computer problem, forcing me to reinstall a few things, has made me finally tackle a stack of stuff that's been sitting for ages. Which is just as well; I do need to get rid of stuff.
On my vacation, I saw this sign on someone's bathroom mirror: "The more I know, the less I need." One interpretation is that spiritual knowledge reduces the need for material things. I don't think that's the only interpretation but I have to muse on this before I can elaborate. In the meantime, the Zen concept of not owning too many things or they will own you, is quite appropriate.
- There is so much on offer in America, including my preference in religion, and groups, activities and things I can't find here in Norway – at least not as obviously. So I came home to an unexpected boredom, job included. Boredome is a sign of a need of change, so this is something to address.
So is all wrong and bad? Heavens, no! I also feel like I have so many possibilities and options, and that it just takes focus and some courage to make things happen. But I'm still not sure of what I want to be when I grow up.
While on vacation, I was asked by a reverend where my heart was. Honestly, I have no idea. And that is the challenge and the struggle.
I'm feeling a little bit like I did on my first day in California: I was so weary from travelling that nothing my friend suggested for dinner sounded agreeable. I apologized for being a difficult guest. As it turned out, I was fine within a couple of days, so it was just travel fatigue. So once I get back into the proper routine of things here, perhaps finding out what I can do to make my life here more like what I want, I will be more agreeable again.
All I know is, it's time for a change. Time to figure out where my body and soul should really be. In one sense, I'm "homesick." I am, after all, a native of California.