Mar 3, 2005

A month later...

Many have asked how I'm doing after losing Sammy. Thank you for your concern! Here's an update:

I attended the annual new age fair in Bergen the weekend of February 18, this time to promote the newly started Bergen Astrologiske Forening (astrology association). I bought a pendulum, too. Once home, I asked the pendulum some questions about Sammy, crying as I did. One question was "Did I let her go too soon?" The answer was "no". Well, that relieved some guilt.

A week ago Wednesday I was feeling miserable. I had been experiencing minor annoyances, little (unimportant) things breaking or uncharacteristic accidents (like bread catching fire in the microwave; I didn't know bread could do that :-) ) or my plants starting to die, ever since Sammy died. Harmless stuff but I associated it all with losing my "familiar", my four-legged guardian angel. So my miserable feeling was from frustration and a little fear of the destruction around me. I screamed in frustration (I live in an apartment, so I'm sure my neighbors heard me), just like a kid having a temper tantrum. But they say that sometimes you should just yell. It did help. I calmed down.

The next evening I lay down on the sofa and put on my reiki self-healing CD. As I moved my hands to my heart chakra, all my thoughts were of Sammy, and I cried and cried. I could see her so clearly but I didn't see her as being here. She was somewhere else. By the time I had gone through the whole reiki routine, I felt like I was done grieving. I had finally let Sammy go.

Now I can think about her, write about her, without beginning to bawl again (though I still tear up), and I know she will always be in my heart.

Just the other day around dinner time, I thought I had better go home and feed the cat first before going out again. I didn't get a heartache thinking that, realizing there was no cat waiting to be fed. I was just amused at the habit popping up.

The "accidents" have stopped or at least no longer upset me. I'm back to normal, balance is restored. Now I can focus without guilt or distraction on the next big thing: A 3 week trip to visit an old friend in California.

3 comments:

Sravana said...

I was wondering how you were getting along, Keera. It takes a while to get over the loss, doesn't it?

(amazing about bread catching fire in the microwave!)

A couple of weeks ago I was scrolling through my digital pics of Geno - and I felt the same sadness when I got to the last one, knowing that there would never be another one of him. Sheesh, I'm pretty unhappy just thinking about it right now - and his passing was almost 4 years ago.

But I welcome that feeling. He was such an important part of my life... I don't want to ever forget what he meant to me.

On another subject - when do you leave for CA? If it's soon, have a great time!

Sravana

Anonymous said...

It's interesting how the plants and physical world also reacted to Sammy being gone. It's a good thing -- everything was helping you through the first stages of grief. I sounds like the timing was pretty darn good -- time to mourn before taking a long, distracting trip. You and Sammy both have a great intuitive sense for these things. I hope your visit in CA is wonderful!

--alice

Keera said...

Sravana, I have a picture of Sammy as my wallpaper, I still find white hairs on dark clothes, and I haven't yet gotten rid of all her things (some catnip is still in the fridge). I also still keep the Kleenex handy. But it no longer aches so impossibly. I miss her without all the pain. Alice, I didn't think the plants were reacting in sympathy. Nice thought! Yes, my timing was deliberate and I'm glad I gave myself the time. I've needed it.