Dec 31, 2012

Leaving 2012


It's New Year's Eve 2012. I'm in jeans and a wool sweater, not in my high heels and sparkly top. My plans for a productive day and a party for one have been sidetracked.

I feel lazy and low-key. And thoughtful.

My neighbors are not being low-key; they've been shooting fireworks sporadically all evening. I sit here wondering if I should look out my window and see the colors and sparks.

Nah.

I'll wait till midnight.

The neighbors will be bringing out the really fancy stuff then.

***

I usually prepare a meditation of sorts for myself, but not this year. I don't desire anything. Is this lethargy or peace? It's definitely new.

Maybe I just got so engaged in the end of the world December 21 2012 (in a very fun way) that I've already had my end of the year focus.

2012 has been the most low-key year I've had in years. I haven't fussed with anything. I haven't had any drama whatsoever. What new and unusual I have experienced has gone well and been pleasant.

2012 has been about wrapping things up. Bringing closure. Forgiving and moving on. Accepting the march of time. Acknowledging that the next phase of life will be one of aging.

A corner has been turned, with no more fanfare or effort than turning any corner.

***

Buddhism teaches that the only way to be free, to leave this Earthbound existence and its resemblance to Hell, is by giving up all desires, even the good ones. As long as we want something from a bodily existence on this planet, we will keep returning for a bodily existence.

After seeing how wonderfully well ho'oponopono works in my life, I find myself more and more drawn to neutral. The ho'oponopono goal of returning to zero seems to me to be exactly the same as buddhism's search for nirvana.

In 2012 I patched things up with my parents, meaning I ended my life-long expectation of being hurt by them. And with that, a life-long habit of keeping them at arm's length. The new habit needs tweaking and that probably is a good New Year's resolution.

2012 had a number of firsts for me and still I have the feeling of tying up loose ends and packing the past into boxes to finally go into storage instead of being constantly left out to trip over.

That reminds me: Time to get the Christmas stuff stowed away, too.

***

I wonder if my lack of excitement for the evening, my lack of desire to shape the coming year with a midnight meditation is a good thing: A buddhist lack of desire. A lack of interest in one's own life is not good and not what I want. Quite the contrary: I want to get more passionate in the year to come. I want to set the internet and Facebook aside, and focus once again more on reading and writing.

That's actually what prompted this post: Friends posting "Happy New Year's!" on Facebook. I found myself unsatisfied with merely clicking "Like" or replying "Thanks, you too!" I wanted something more -- substantial.

However you mark the end of one year (and calendar) and the start of another, I hope it's safe and joyous.