May 7, 2010

Say to self: Change is good

When last I wrote… When the heck was that? Sheesh, a month ago. You know, a proper post with several paragraphs and stuff. Something that requires a cup of coffee to read - and write. (I bought the cup you see because it says "Beautiful Home". Nice affirmation.)

I am happily busy at work. That's good. We're redoing our logo and graphic design of brochures, business cards, etc., and I've been thrown into the thick of it.

At home I've been getting back into more routines. Or trying to. I at least feel like doing that, which I haven't in quite some time.

In the midst of all this, is the fact that there is change. Change is all around me. Things don't stay the same. Tomorrow will not be like yesterday, even if I do nothing. I find that that bothers me. And being bothered by change bothers me.

I used to willingly embrace anything new and different. I still do that to some degree. I bought a domain and have started to build my website there using iWeb, but that's temporary. I will whip out the text editor and CSS cheatsheet and do my own thing. Eventually.

But when it comes to other kinds of change, the kind I don't control, the kind I don't ask for, I find that I react badly now. I don't know if it's age or circumstance, but I suspect it's because I don't like loss. Or maybe I just don't like other people doing things that demand I make a fuss, too.

My co-op is going to have a vote on whether or not to expand our balconies. I have no idea what that may involve, but it may involve a mess. Well, that's still off in the future so I'll put that out of my mind for the time being. (But I do feel like being a curmudgeon and voting "no" to the expansion. That'd be a first!)

More immediate is the situation at work: In the middle of not knowing whether or not our department will be kept as is, we are forced to dismantle everything and move, and in the future we will be expected to live with a minimum of paper and filing use. The idea of all kinds of endings, of tossing out our own history and even our own personal space, started to overwhelm me yesterday. I felt the tears come on, and I was reminded of the stress last year when everyone around me started moving our offices (in my eyes, willy-nilly) and I wished things were more planned and paced.

My co-workers seem so energetic. They've been tossing and working their way down memory lane, and I have been watching them, fighting my own sadness about the whole thing. The photo here shows my signing off on the last four-color printing job our two-color press will ever do. It's the last time I've printed out a job on film, and the last time we'll be making printing plates from film. All our machines will be sold. I can't help but be sad about it all. It's the end of an era.

I think in part my reluctance to embrace what is happening is because it isn't our choice. It's one thing to acknowledge that modern times demand new solutions; we'd then be selling off our old technology in order to install new. I'd love me a digital press! But we didn't make this choice, we didn't get to steer our own way into the future. It was decided for us. Yes, I know, such is life in a big company and in this ever more quickly changing world, where five years has now become an impossibly long perspective (versus 20 years, well, 20 years ago). But I've enjoyed this work, I've enjoyed preparing separations for printing, I've enjoyed working with practical men, who accurately line up crop marks, whose fingers are stained with C, M, Y or K, who have such pride in their work. This week, our two-color press has done more printing than it has so far this year. I've enjoyed hearing the rhythm of the machine as it turned out pallets and pallets of new letterhead with our new logo. It sounds normal, it sounds right, it sounds like home.

I know I'm not in danger of losing my job. I'm just in danger of losing my comfort zone, of losing what I've been enjoying up close for the past twelve years. Twelve. Time to move on, yes.

I am excited about the remodeled work space to come. I am willing to cull and toss and give up so that we can all move and move in time. There's no point in fighting the change. I simply have to remind myself that change is inevitable so I may as well find the good in it and enjoy it.

I hope I've convinced myself by the end of this weekend.

4 comments:

Starving Economist said...

Sometimes I think we are soul sisters :) I just did a blog post involving oil platforms ( http://thestarvingeconomist.blogspot.com/2010/05/spill-baby-spill.html ) and I was in the middle of writing another one about my website projects, how I wish I knew more about how to do web design and had more time to play with what I do know...but am using iWeb for now 'cos I'm in a hurry!

Also I was blabbing last night to a friend on the phone that there are big changes going on in my life and that changes which I don't choose always stress me out. Even though I should be used to them by now since I have to say that dramatic change which happens outside of my control has been something of a pattern in my life.

Even change which looks like it might have a positive end result is a stress (like moving. I always injure myself AND get sick when I have to move. Because I end up doing things that I'm not strong enough or well enough to be doing since I don't have anyone else to help with them. I hate moving. Hate hate hate. Spit.)

I miss working a lot because I had dreams of it eventually leading to some sort of economic independence for my life. And I would have chosen to travel with some of my disposable income, just as you do, soul sister :)

Especially now that I'm going through one of those nasty periods where my blood sugar is through the roof because I don't have money for diabetes-friendly food, I know how much I would have liked to have had at least a sustenance-level income of my own. I had actually assumed, until I turned 23 and the US health care system smashed my hope of a career into smithereens, that I would always have at least a sustenance-level income! Which has hopefully taught me not to be even subconsciously smug. And probably hasn't taught me a thing.

But what I don't miss about working are the politics, the forced interactions with people I with which I might not otherwise choose to interact, the changes dictated from on high...of course a disability income comes with all of that, particularly here in a place where government help for the disabled or for anyone is passionately opposed by a vocal segment of the population, but I don't have to deal with the stresses someone like you has to face at work on a daily basis.

I am really hoping that everything you are going through turns out to be wonderful for you and you are in my thoughts. You are a strong person and I admire you for that. Sending you positive energies from sunny California :)

Keera Ann Fox said...

Funny that we should be struggling with the same problem with change, in spite of very different backgrounds and reasons. :-)

I'm currently trying to give myself a push in the right attitudinal direction by taking a few days off work, and watching the extended DVD-set of "What the Bleep Do We Know?". And other mental hygiene stuff.

It simply hurts not to look forward to change because it is so unlike me. So it's not an acceptable attitude for me.

Zuzana said...

Keera, this post spoke to me. I can so relate. I have started to dislike changes too. The older I grow, the more I find the need to control things. Perhaps this has to do also with the fact that I have had to move so much. The fact that I can not control my life at times causes me a great distress. Therefore I firmly control whatever I can and have grown into a control freak.
I can relate to the balcony expansion reluctance.;)) We are five houses that have to also decide about everything but most of the time, I get no say. We have a "formand" and he makes decisions as he pleases, making me sometimes want to move, even though I love my house. There is a cleaning of roofs and painting of houses imminent; but I have no idea when the are going to happen and that just keeps me awake at night.
Great post and I had a cup of coffee reading it.;)
Btw, thanks for your comment yesterday, so glad that you liked my pick. You were the only one recognizing the tune.;)
Have a great weekend,
xo

Keera Ann Fox said...

I had a restless childhood, too. Either constantly moving or at least changing schools. As an adult I've been able to stay put in one place, and I have loved the peace that has brought me. But I don't like losing my ability to be flexible. Sitting loose in the saddle, as my grandma used to say to me.

If I come up with any answers, my dears, I'll let you know. :-)