New Year's Resolution?

I have a note hanging on my wall next to my desk. It reads, "Discipline is doing what is important to you." It's meant to be a reminder to me to get off my butt and not waste time. However, it's not working. I don't have the discipline necessary to follow the advice.

I could speculate on why not. Some things that discipline would help me with are routines for giving myself a nice home (basically: Take time to toss the clutter) and to write The Great American Novel Or Something Close. I sit at the computer a lot, but it's mostly surfing and e-mail and Usenet. Addicting, that. But it don't write no novel.

And I have ideas. I have something to type onto an electronic page. I have all the tools I need. But I don't do the discipline part. There's always something I've gotta do first. Yesterday, I finally found the urge to write – just as I realized that I had better go visit my grandma at the nursing home.

Funny thing, someone else in the family does similar stuff: My aforementioned grandma. Every time she starts to feel her oats again and has ideas to paint and wants to paint them, she falls or something and is chained to a bed for weeks.

There's some odd self-sabotaging going on here. I'm sure that if I just give myself the time to meditate and ask my inner self, I'll find out what subconscious bad habit or belief is stopping me.

I've just gotta finish playing at the computer first...