May 25, 2003

Some random thoughts:

  • Eurovision Song Contest: Less gala, more outrageous. The Norwegian participants looked rumpled in comparison, but (as usual) get compliments from other Norwegians that they look "folksy". Well... ESC is an interesting peak at what the other nationalities look like and what they think is good entertainment. The Baltic and Balkan countries impress me.
  • Saw a documentary on Discovery about the private person Adolf Hitler. He definitely suffered from some sort of personality disorder. I'm waiting for history to reveal the same about George W. Bush.
  • Blogger has updated its software. Maybe now my archives will stay in place.
  • Michael Moore is my hero. I have just finished reading his book "Stupid White Men" and it lived up to the blurb on the cover: "Furious and funny."

May 16, 2003

Course completed! My friend Hope says she gets goosebumps when she is saying something that is completely accurate. That happened to me last night while reading the cards for another classmate: I got goosebumps. However, when I got home and laid out a spread, I couldn't remember one thing about any of the cards. Anyway, the interest is there. Since I don't have a deck of cards on me, I have rediscovered free online Tarot readings, like www.facade.com/tarot/.

May 14, 2003

Another frustrating day at the café. Nothing to do, not feeling "at home" or appreciated. A customer came in and wanted to a reading. The woman on duty at the café kept telling her all the psychics were booked and none were "in today". Drily I said, "Except the astrologer." That woke her up and she remembered why I was there. (!) So I got one paying customer, a very nice woman, though I wasn't happy with myself after the reading. I felt rusty again. And that makes me wonder and think.

I feel frustrated at the café. I was shocked to see how little effort they make at marketing their own "psychic café". My friend Hope, who reads the Tarot there, told me she suggested all the "marketing" they "do" for her there (sign in the window, a binder with information about the Tarot and Hope). She also told me that she thought the new locale they want to move into would be much more suited to us who give readings, and that the café owners were very positive. I was encouraged by this. I told her I was toughing it out for the rest of this month (have one more Saturday in May) but wasn't sure about June. She told me I could quit any time. I had that freedom. Then I could come back after the summer vacation when the café had settled into its new digs.

In the meantime, I've been wondering – again – about this choice I've made and whether or not astrology – being an astrologer – is what I want/should be doing. I've been affirming "Divine Right Action in my life right now" and getting messages from the Universe to reconnect to my spiritual source (in plain English, pray to God). So yesterday I had lunch with Hope and towards the end she asked me to be in her Tarot class. Three nights of three hours each this week. She had only three students and didn't want to cancel, so she wanted a fourth so there would be more feedback. And I could get pointers from her in case I want to teach astrology. (That's a scary thought. Not a foreign thought, but definitely scary. Butterflies and the world's biggest roller-coaster, all at once. For now.) I told her I had considered taking her class but couldn't afford it. "This is free," she told me. She just wanted me there.

I wonder at why this gift now. Eventually, it will all be revealed, I'm sure. In the meantime, I really enjoyed myself at our first class last night and am looking forward to our next classes tonight and tomorrow. That's a Venus thing – pure enjoyment. How does Venus enter into this? Here:

Astrologically, the offer for the class came as the Moon was applying to a conjunction of my Midheaven (the point that has to with vocation, goals in life) and the Sun (sustainance) was exactly trine my natal Midheaven ruler (my Venus). Transitting Venus herself is applying to a trine to my Ascendant (presentation of Self – it's a good week). Venus is a sweet gal, often bestowing pleasantness in many forms upon us. Mercury, the planet of communication, intellect and students, is still retrograde (going the wrong way). It is currently in Taurus as is the Sun, and my Midheaven and the Moon are in Libra. All of these are therefore ruled by Venus. Mercury retrograde also means redoing something. And I kept saying to my friend Hope that now maybe, finally, I'll learn to read the Tarot, after trying so many times.

May 9, 2003

I came across this site, pagannews.com. I'm not into witchcraft or paganism, really, but the front page has some interesting stuff and changes every day. Scroll down for things like Tarot card or Rune of the day and the current moon phase. The reason I mention the site today is because I just tried the Craftname generator. I don't know what a craft name is, but I sure like the result I got: Silver-Leaf Fox.

May 5, 2003

I feel much better and I did get some housework done this weekend. That was actually thanks to you, my invisible reader. I felt like I couldn't make a "promise" like I had Friday and then not follow through. It was odd being motivated by an unseen person's opinion. However, it did the trick. I got off my ass and followed FlyLady's crisis cleaning routine. That kept me on track.

I have to laugh at myself, and at the same time stand in awe of my own process of self-discovery. I never thought of myself as unable to organize or follow through on a project, and yet, in my wake are many abandoned projects. I just thought I didn't have the talent or something. Turns out, I am too easily bored and I also need concrete rewards/milestones. So it actually helps me to set a timer for 15 minutes. I won't have time to get bored before that timer goes off. And the other thing is, that timer makes me compete against myself. I go real fast with my little kitchen timer ticking. It becomes a game. A race between me and my little green apple (which is what my timer looks like). The nice thing about housework, is that you can see the difference. Nice reward. But just the timer going off is a milestone in itself, and encouraging to me.

So, what to pay myself? I wonder if NOK 10 a minute is too ambitious. (NOK 10 is about USD 1 in spending power.) I'll have to do some calculations and see what seems reasonable. In the meantime, I have to remember I have a goal – and that this all should be fun.

May 2, 2003

My mood has definitely improved.

Firstly, I found out that Grandma just got a cut, and needed a few stitches and would be coming home today. I was there to meet her and we had a pleasant afternoon together.

Secondly, I had a nice "chat" via SMS with a good friend who is also interested in astrology, and he gave me more food for thought. I started brainstorming on how to get Norwegians interested in more than what seem to be straight yes-or-no questions. If I reach any conclusion, I'll let you know.

Thirdly, my home has been badly neglected – and that means I'm neglecting myself. I want to be able to invite friends over on impulse and I don't want to constantly be looking for things. I've decided to turn the stereo on loud this weekend and get some housework done, and then start maintaining. I hope to follow FlyLady's routines.

Focusing on my home, my immediate environment, is also an attempt on my part to nurture myself. I've discovered that I'm very good at indulging myself, but not at nurturing. Also, I'm not good at enouraging, or rather, rewarding myself. Y'know, actually letting my inner voice tell me I done good. So, I'm thinking about paying myself to, well, clean my room. You see, I really want an iPod. So, paying myself to clean house would be a way to save towards the iPod. This is inspired by something I saw on a Dr. Phil episode, about setting managable goals and being able to tell if you've achieved them.

Now all I have to do is decide what I'm worth as a live-in maid.

I have not been in a good mood this week. I blame PMS because it started with that, but I think it's more than that. Doesn't help that today started off badly, with a phone call from the home nursing staff, telling me that my grandma fell last night and cut her head. She's been admitted for observation at the hospital.

My first reaction was utter irritation, then panic. Then I told myself that Grandma had not lost consciousness, she herself had asked the nurses to notify me, and she's still a tough old bird, though "old" is getting more weight than "tough".

But I just don't feel up to it.

I haven't felt down in a long while. Depressed. Now I can feel it sneaking up on me, and I don't think it's just the PMS. Little stuff is starting to overwhelm me. I'm feeling lost – and lonely again.

More later.